Not Myself These Days ...

Happy Valentines Day & Happy Chinese New Year!!!!
Aren't these two the most beautiful girls ever!?



Caution: the blog you are about to read is a vent of emotions ... pardon my honesty!

Many great things are going on here at home but for some reason I am a complete basket case. Really. I am just not myself these days. Obviously I am so thankful for how well Hannah is doing & how adjusted Lily is to life at home but for some reason I can't shake my feelings of being overwhelmed by just about everything.

E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

My family thinks it is all a delayed reaction to the year & a half we have made it through. Major life things have happened & I don't think I have ever really dealt with it all, especially Hannah's illness.

While we were in-patient at the hospital I just COULD NOT break down. I couldn't. It wasn't an option to sit in the bed next to Hannah & sob uncontrollably at all that was going on & that we had just brought our daughter home from China & I was not with her.

I think now that Hannah is in school & I have some time to myself it has hit me like a ton of bricks what we have just survived. And "survived" is really the best word. We have survived. Hannah has survived - thank you, Lord!  Lily has survived, remained attached & completely connected to us - thank you, Lord!

Someone asked me last week how Hannah is doing & I honestly replied that "Hannah is doing amazing but for some reason I am a total wreck". Her reply was "well, it could have been a lot worse." Ah, HELLO?!?! Yes, I am very aware that it could have been a lot worse. Believe me I am well aware that I could have buried my oldest daughter but excuse me ... It also could have been a lot better!!! Her comment just put me sideways.

Yesterday Hannah, Jim & I went to Jacob's memorial service. So many nurses were there & both of the doctors that took care of Jacob & Hannah. I lost it hugging Dr. Horvath. She was just amazing to Jacob ... to Chance .. to Daniel ... and to Hannah. I don't know how we would have made it through last year without those wonderful nurses & Dr. Horvath -- that are truly family to Jacob's family & to our family. Daniel's parents were there. I have not seen them since before Daniel died because we were on the East Coast when Daniel died. His mom told me she hasn't unpacked the bag from the hospital when they came home after he died & she hasn't touched his room at all. His room is exactly as it was when Daniel was at home. Just tragic.

I know I will start feeling better but for right now I am just grieving what we have endured - Hannah's sudden & critical illness, the loss of our friends from the hospital & even the loss of Roisin on June 7, 2008. I miss my sister-in-law & I can't wait to see her again in heaven! We are going to have so much fun together for eternity .. and in that day there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more sadness. It will be as it was supposed to have been for us!

Here is a song that is so appropriate for all of us that are going through hard times ...

Wordless Wednesday

Weekend Update

Me & my favorite 8 year old!

Hannah & my dear friend, Tamara. I was Tamara's camp counselor many years ago .. now she is a married woman! I love you, Tamara - thanks for hanging out with Hannah!!

Picking up Girl Scout cookie orders

* Hannah's blood counts continue to climb --- Thank you, Jesus!! Yesterday her labs came back as follows: wbc 6.0, hemoglobin 9.6, platelets 57k. Just remarkable from year ago when she was fighting Typhlitus & we were wondering if she was going to survive that huge medical set-back. Each day of life for Hannah is just an amazing gift!!

* Hannah & I went on a camp retreat this past weekend. It was snowing like crazy while we were up in the mountains & she LOVED playing in the snow (without a jacket most of the time!?!?). She has tons of bruises from the snow ball fights but she had a fantastic time!

* Lily's first Chinese lesson went really well. It was like playtime with a Chinese speaking babysitter but Lily loved Elaine so I know it will be a good thing each week. And really at Lily's age, playtime is all we are going to be doing right now! It was hilarious when Elaine would tell Lily certain words & Lily would repeat them back to her but would add a very clear "NO" in front of the word. So funny!

* Hannah's Girl Scout cookie sales rocked! We just finished the pre-ordering season & she sold 265 boxes! Can I just say she was over the moon!!!! I think 50 boxes were sold here on the blog .. thank you to everyone that ordered to support Hannah! Thank you to Sunja & Jenn for really helping Hannah out with extra sales!!!!

* Lily's doing a sleepover at Auntie Mom's house tonight. When we pray, the first thing Lily will pray is: "Thank you, Jesus, Auntie Mom". The Slazas' are deep in Lily's heart & it is so dear to see how much she loves them all! I am so thankful for the forever bond that has been formed since the day Lily came home! What an incredible blessing!!


"Sing praises to the Lord, O you His faithful ones, and give thanks to His holy name. For His anger is but for a moment; His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning."
Psalm 30:3-5

Update ... & Thinking of Jacob

Ok, it was so hard to post the picture on Wordless Wednesday & not write a thing about Lily's adorable toes. It's Thursday and it's my blog: "Isn't it the cutest thing how she flips up her big toes like that?!?!" I don't know how she does it without pushing down the other toes but I love it!!!

Lily is having a lot of fun in her pre-school program 2 days a week. My sisters & I are addicted to watching her on the closed circuit TV while she is at school. Only one of us can be logged in to watch at a time so the texting goes back & forth to get off the "Lily Watch" & let the others have a turn. So cute to watch her with her little friends at school!

I have a Chinese lady (well, she looks like a young girl!?!) coming tomorrow morning to start Chinese lessons with Lily. Lily knows that tomorrow when Elaine comes, Elaine will say "Ni-How". I guess that is as prepared as Lily can be but I am sure it is going to be a shock when Elaine only speaks Chinese to her for a few hours!?

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For the past few weeks Hannah has asked me everyday, "So ... how's Jacob doing?" She knew he wasn't feeling good. We had seen Jacob while we were in patient at the hospital in January.

Back when we first met Jacob he told Hannah at some point that she was his girlfriend. Well, Hannah is a typical girl & hearing that is NOT what a girl wants to hear from a boy at this age! That was over a year ago (and believe me, Jacob had totally moved on from thinking Hannah was his girlfriend!) but Hannah still thought he thought she was (does that make sense?). She told me last night that he probably has pictures of her all over his room in heaven. Cracked me up .. yes, Hannah, I am sure he has pictures of you all over his room in heaven: hilarious!

It was very hard to tell Hannah that Jacob had died. My heart just breaks for her as she has now lost 2 friends from the hospital. She handled it better than I did ... thank you, Lord!

It is comforting to know that Daniel is there with Jacob. Daniel was so kind to all the little kids on the unit. Here is a precious scrapbook page that Jacob's mom, Melisa, made of Jacob & Daniel together. Both were precious guys & dear to our hearts!!

Kim said it best, "as life goes, you can see why we will long more & more to get to heaven -- think of all the friends we will be re-united with!"

Please pray for Tony & Melisa. They are Jacob's parents & he was their only child. Their pain is just beyond comprehension ... unimaginable.


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"To Thee, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in Thee I trust ... Lead me in Thy truth and teach me, For Thou art the God of my salvation; For Thee I wait all the day. Remember, O Lord, Thy compassion and Thy lovingkindness, For they have been from of old" Psalm 25:1-2, 5-6

Wordless Wednesday

Forever A Friend

Our hearts break for the loss of our friend from the hospital .. Hannah's friend, Jacob.

He fought so hard for over half of his life against this monster called Leukemia.

Jacob, you will always be remembered ... for the laughs, the fun in the hallway, ringing in New Year 2009 across the hall from each other and hearing you call "Mommy!" when she visited with anyone for too long.

Your Kaiser family will never forget you!

Just for Fun

Here is Hannah & her cousins over Christmas break in Philly having some Jammin' time to the Jackson Five (Chance will be proud .. I hope!). This is at my sister, Rachel's place, with her kids on guitar & drums. Love you Sarah & David ... fun, fun times!!!