Aren't these two the most beautiful girls ever!?
Caution: the blog you are about to read is a vent of emotions ... pardon my honesty!
Many great things are going on here at home but for some reason I am a complete basket case. Really. I am just not myself these days. Obviously I am so thankful for how well Hannah is doing & how adjusted Lily is to life at home but for some reason I can't shake my feelings of being overwhelmed by just about everything.
E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
My family thinks it is all a delayed reaction to the year & a half we have made it through. Major life things have happened & I don't think I have ever really dealt with it all, especially Hannah's illness.
While we were in-patient at the hospital I just COULD NOT break down. I couldn't. It wasn't an option to sit in the bed next to Hannah & sob uncontrollably at all that was going on & that we had just brought our daughter home from China & I was not with her.
I think now that Hannah is in school & I have some time to myself it has hit me like a ton of bricks what we have just survived. And "survived" is really the best word. We have survived. Hannah has survived - thank you, Lord! Lily has survived, remained attached & completely connected to us - thank you, Lord!
Someone asked me last week how Hannah is doing & I honestly replied that "Hannah is doing amazing but for some reason I am a total wreck". Her reply was "well, it could have been a lot worse." Ah, HELLO?!?! Yes, I am very aware that it could have been a lot worse. Believe me I am well aware that I could have buried my oldest daughter but excuse me ... It also could have been a lot better!!! Her comment just put me sideways.
Yesterday Hannah, Jim & I went to Jacob's memorial service. So many nurses were there & both of the doctors that took care of Jacob & Hannah. I lost it hugging Dr. Horvath. She was just amazing to Jacob ... to Chance .. to Daniel ... and to Hannah. I don't know how we would have made it through last year without those wonderful nurses & Dr. Horvath -- that are truly family to Jacob's family & to our family. Daniel's parents were there. I have not seen them since before Daniel died because we were on the East Coast when Daniel died. His mom told me she hasn't unpacked the bag from the hospital when they came home after he died & she hasn't touched his room at all. His room is exactly as it was when Daniel was at home. Just tragic.
I know I will start feeling better but for right now I am just grieving what we have endured - Hannah's sudden & critical illness, the loss of our friends from the hospital & even the loss of Roisin on June 7, 2008. I miss my sister-in-law & I can't wait to see her again in heaven! We are going to have so much fun together for eternity .. and in that day there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more sadness. It will be as it was supposed to have been for us!
Here is a song that is so appropriate for all of us that are going through hard times ...
Oh, you have me in tears. I have been struggling quite a bit myself lately. It is very taxing on your body when you forge ahead, trying to keep yourself emotionally intact. I am sick of injections, sick of hospitals, doctors, specialists, the handful of pills I take trice daily...and I was handling it so well until now. Whew!
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you a really big hug from the east coast. I could never put myself in your position...but it's not outside the realm of my imagination or understanding. Let the tears flow! Email me anytime.
Love from Maryland,
Beth
Oh Honey, I wish I was there to give you a hug.
ReplyDeleteMeredith has her pretty red Valentine's dress on today.....does Lily? We have been thinking about you guys.
Love and hugs to all.
Dear, sweet Deb.....
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree that you are experiencing a delayed reaction to all you've been through and you are wise to recognize that. Give yourself a HUMONGOUS BREAK! You were a rock that none of us could believe in the thick of Hannah's illness while beloved friends were passing away around you. You were not only welcoming a new daughter (and you had to immediately suspend your celebration over that because Hannah got sick), dealing with Hannah's diagnosis and the grave reality of her illness, AND you had to watch children and families that you'd grown to love suffer your worst fear. Somehow, you managed to hold it all together. You even had to secretly eat burritos in the bathroom while your daugther couldn't eat. Honestly, it was by the grace of God you even remained standing! It's about time you give yourself some time to process the past almost 15 months. It's ok to be a basket-case. Somedays I feel like that and I haven't even gone through what you have! What's my excuse!?!?! You are amazing and absolutely entitled to a massive meltdown right now. Thank you for telling us how we can be praying for you. And give yourself permission to collapse right now. Your prayer warriors, family, friends will help you back to your feet. You'll get there soon, I'm sure.
Hugging you from MSP!!!!!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Diana
Oh, honey, yes, it's a delayed reaction...now that you have time to breathe and process. I experienced something similar about 12 weeks after my son died. I was strong through everything, but then one day...I was just SO SENSITIVE...I mean emotions were completely out of control...a constant basketcase...I just could NOT handle it. I went on Zoloft for a year...and I noticed a HUGE difference in just 2 weeks. It definitely did not change the fact that I was a mom without a child on this earth, but it gave me the opportunity to process the loss without the overwhelming, uncontrollable emotions about everything. I remember one day I had a complete over-reaction to something someone said...and that's when I knew I needed to do something as I could not process the loss and try to maintain "level" emotions. Did it take away the tears? NOT EVEN CLOSE! But I do feel like I was able to cry without feeling like I was out of control. Maybe something to consider...for a short time.
ReplyDeleteIt must make you feel totally conflicted to feel like you "should" be feeling grateful, when in fact you have not finished processing all the grief that has built up over the last year and a half. You have more grief to process than anyone I personally know... for me that puts things in perspective. None of us will doubt your gratefulness for the things you have, Deb... your precious girls and your wonderful husband... but we should not be surprised or impatient with you when you need an extended grieving time. So let 'er rip, girl. Those of us who faithfully read your blog love you more than you can imagine and we accept you, tears, grief, and whatever else comes these next months (and years, if need be). Let us be your virtual "shoulders to cry on" and we will look forward with confidence to celebrating the amazing and strong Deb that comes out the other side of the valley.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comments and your own. I also think that you are mourning the loss of the children you knew at the hospital who have passed and the loss of your sense of innocence in the longevity of life. I can't really know how this feels, but I know that if I were in your shoes, that it would feel like a part of me had died with them. I know your faith in God has sustained you during the rough periods. Maybe God does want you to feel this way now, so you can allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself time...this too shall pass. And yes, it could have been worse..but THANK GOD that it wasn't..and I mean this sincerely.
ReplyDeleteTake care. CTG from RQ
The flippant comment about "things could be worse" reminds me of a response my friend's 80 year old mother gives when she hears things of this sort..."People are stupid".
ReplyDeleteOr in the words of my own 8 year old sage "whatever".
Give yourself permission to be sad and to be mad, get all those feelings out! Think of it as a really good mud mask for the soul, drawing out all the ucky stuff!
Love you!
Melissa
Bless you sweet Deb!
ReplyDelete